I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
