Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
