I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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