he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
