She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
