I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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