um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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