Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
As shirtless as possible
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
