I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
