I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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