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The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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