o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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