I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
