One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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