Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
