Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
