Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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