Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am one with the molecules
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
