I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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