Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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