I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Your cock deserves a montage
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't turn off my feet"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
