Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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