Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
