He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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