I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
