i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
