im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She bit a glass in half.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
