Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
