why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
