He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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