she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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