Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
