Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
