Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
