I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
