I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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