I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
