Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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