Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
