He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
