shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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