what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
