Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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