this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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