Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
