I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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