If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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