I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
