I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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