I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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