chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
