I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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